If You Had Children
By MBPSTB
Blog
Monday, 2nd DotW
8 January, 2018
How do I begin? Over recent years since coming into a walk of obedience to God, I have found myself praying to have the heart of Jesus. In prayers I have felt the sheer weight of just a small amount of heavy heart in the Spirit that He feels for His Children, all of them. We walk in darkness, oh yes we do, collectively, every single day. The times in prayer when I have felt that heaviness, I know it is only a small remnant of what Abba Father must be feeling and even though it has given me empathy which has helped me pray for things Abba desired I should pray for, there was a separation, a distance, somewhat abstract feeling outside of it.
This morning, something happened that changed it, but before I explain I will briefly say that my oldest is very distant from me and has been for most of his life. I was a good mother, doing the best I could working two jobs, maintaining a home for us and dealing with his aberrant alcoholic father until I just had to get out of that environment. I grew up with an alcoholic and our family was very dysfunctional and I couldn’t raise my son in that.
Twelve years later, another marriage, I had my second son, and early in his life, I saw he was different and determined and I had high hopes for his future. He grew up in the early years of me working outside the home but from the age of 4 I stayed at home with him. Both sons were raised in different environments. As my youngest entered puberty, then graduated high school all thoughts of a great future for him have dissolved. To be honest, I don’t know if it’s physiological or emotional or what the cause is of his lackluster existence. This is just observation of how he is.
In recent weeks, God has seen fit to put more on my heart with regard to seeing people through Jesus. Frankly, I am terrible at reading people, terrible at empathy and have no patience with others if they don’t meet my standard of what I perceive to be a normal functioning, rational, common sense idea of dealing with others and the world. I mean, come one, don’t we all have times attempting to get customer service to understand their product failed and we get nowhere with the person we speak with? Don’t we all wish at some times for others to be logical and rational like us?
When our children fail to meet our expectations, we tend to compromise, ignore and not address the problems until it reaches a head and we explode. I have yet to see any positive results from those eruptions. Things might get a smidge better for a few days, but then it’s the same thing all over again.
My heart has been heavy enough over my oldest son’s estrangement, then add to that my youngest and what happened this morning hit the hardest. We went out to dinner last night and I brought home the portion I could not eat and so looked forward to having it for lunch. My son also brought home his leftovers all in the same bag. When I came down to the kitchen this morning, I found my leftovers on the counter, they had been left out all night. So much for my lunch, but what bothered me even more was the lack of consideration of my son, to put mine away so that it would not spoil. I was so struck by the clear lack of caring for others. I know this was a small thing on the surface, but the act itself (to me) spoke volumes about how he doesn’t think about others, that I am his mother, he didn’t think or care.
Last night in my prayers I had asked again for the eyes, heart and ears of Jesus, to see others with His eyes. Try as I might, I cannot do this on my own, most of it due to how I was raised. So for most of the morning while preparing breakfast I have such a hurt feeling inside of me and my husband said he would go to the restaurant and get me another meal. He thinks “in the world” and while I know he meant well, I had to explain to him that the food itself was not the problem here.
So my son came downstairs and of course this subject came up and I let him know I couldn’t eat this food for lunch and he never even said he was sorry. That of course, made my heart sink even lower. Then he went back upstairs and right before he came back downstairs, I had my epiphany. God was showing me how He feels when His Children ignore Him, when they don’t consider His feelings, when they walk in the way He has not raised them in. God gave me an up close and personal feel for how it is with Him.
At that very moment, the weight in my heart and the pain and sorrow left me. This is how I know when a message is being given, a prayer answered. So, will things change now? I can’t say for certain. I believe God will keep things the way they are for awhile because one of the assignments He has called me to do is pray and intercede for people in general and the only way to have the right heart with focus to do that is to know and feel what God feels. It helps keep the perspective real. It is so very easy for us when pain passes to forget it, to go back to what we were doing as if nothing ever happened. We can’t learn lessons that way. We can’t grow that way. Some things, some conditions of our heart or walk need more work, more time before the change takes place.
There is a saying: “Be careful what you ask for, you just might get it.”
If you ask for something as big as feeling what God feels, be prepared that it might overwhelm you, be prepared that it might come in a way you don’t expect. You should also ask for a heaping dose of discernment to know when this epiphany hits too. I know without that, this teaching moment this morning might not have happened, the opportunity missed.
I hope and pray that this insight won’t fade over time. My sons are not going to change overnight or perhaps anytime soon and I have to confess, I hope to stay in the empathic frame of feeling God’s hurt for His children that they are walking on paths He did not desire for them. If it means I have to continue in a life that does not make me happy with my boys, then so be it. So be it, because I desire to serve God first. If He trains me up in this and I get to where He wants me to be about this matter and remains constant in me, THEN I know He will restore my sons to me.
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